"Growing up, I felt there was something about me that truly set me apart from other kids. But I didn't have a grasp on what it was," says Candace Gingrich, a spokeswoman for the Human Rights Campaign and half-sister of House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

   "I had a few fleeting crushes on girls and, then, a full-blown crush. Inside, they felt right and normal. But at the same time I didn't have any way to process those feelings because I didn't know any gay people or know that I knew them. I felt that I would risk something if I expressed my feelings."

   Candace started playing on a rugby team, and for the first time saw women being openly affectionate to each other. "It was like being dropped into what was originally a foreign country but, once there, I realized it was my country of origin. I thought, Wow, the feelings I've been having are normal. It is OK to be who I am."

   Coming out to yourself means recognizing and accepting that you're primarily attracted to the same sex. But how do you get from recognition to acceptance? It helps to talk to someone. But who? And what should you say?
 

   Some people come out when someone asks them if they're gay or lesbian. Others make a point of pulling people aside and saying "There's something I have to tell you."

   If you choose the latter option, ask yourself, "Who is the most open-minded and caring person I know who is also the least likely to be shocked, threatened or put off?" This might be a friend, a relative, or a teacher. Tell that person you have questions about your sexual orientation or you're trying to come to terms with your sexual orientation and you'd like to talk. Say you've come to them because you trust them.

   If you don't already know someone like this, consider talking to a school counselor, a therapist, or a member of a gay and lesbian student group. Gay-straight alliances exist in many high schools and colleges. There are support groups at most gay and lesbian community centers. Many communities have lesbian and gay switchboards. You might seek out nearby churches or synagogues that minister primarily to lesbians and gay men. And there are many gay youth and coming out sites on the World Wide Web. (See Additional Resources for more information)
 

   You can get a sense of how accepting your friends and family are by the things they say, or don't say, when the subject of homosexuality comes up in conversation. You might try to bring it up yourself by talking about gay issues in the news - such as the debates over equal rights in the workplace for gays and lesbians. If your friends' or your family's reactions are positive, chances are they'll be more accepting of you. But keep in mind that it's easier for most people to accept gay men and lesbians in the abstract; it's a bit different when it's "my son" or "my best friend"
 

   When you're ready to come out to your friends, you may be lucky enough to have some gay or lesbian friends to help you. But heterosexual friends can also be staunch supporters. Choose carefully as you reveal this fundamental part of yourself. Many gay people find that the friends they thought would be least judgmental were the first to drop them, while those who seemed unlikely allies offered the strongest support. Along the way, you might lose a few people whom you thought were friends. But you'll learn many valuable lessons about what the word "friendship" means.

   Actor Wilson Cruz, who played Ricky on TV's My So-Called Life, says he was fortunate. "There was a group of us who had been friends since junior high school. I think we all knew everyone else was gay but we never said anything to each other.

   "Then, in the beginning of our senior year, we all started to come out to each other. I came out first, and they were relieved that I told them and they they were relieved to tell me. It was very cool because by the end of the year, we had an incredible support group and didn't care what anyone else thought."
 

   Most people are afraid that their parents will reject them if they come out. You might be afraid that they'll throw you out of the house, tell you you're immoral, or simply stop loving you. The good news is: You're probably wrong.

   It's true that many parents are shocked when their children say they're gay or lesbian. But it is also true that it is nearly impossible for most parents to completely reject their children.

   On the other hand, parents sometimes react in ways that hurt. Some cry. Some get angry. Some ask whether "someone did this to you." Some say it's a sin. Some insist it's a phase. Others try to send their children to someone who will "fix" them.

   Candace Gingrich's mother was pretty typical. "She wanted to know what happened to me that turned me into a lesbian, " Candace recalls. "She wanted to know where she and Dad went wrong. She wanted to know if I hadn't met the right man yet."

   If this happens, remember that your parents grew up in a time when some of the misperceptions about homosexuality were more prevalent than they are today. Remember, too, that they're probably trying to keep you safe from something they do not understand. Finally, remember this is big news, and they'll need time to adjust to it, just like you did.

   One great source of help for many families is the group Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. PFLAG produces literature aimed at helping parents understand their gay children. It also has chapters in many communities across the country.

   "My biggest fear was that my parents would abandon me if I was honest with them," recalls Linda Villarosa of Essence. "But my mother asked me point blank: Are you a lesbian? I wasn't comfortable lying. I was also caught off guard: I was so happy. For one split second, I thought, They'll be happy for me."

   Instead, her father cried because he was afraid she didn't love him any more. And her mother demanded she go to therapy. "She said, This isn't really who you are. This is a phase. You can change. You can go to therapy.

   "But I said, No, this is who I am, and I'm happy."

   While it took time, Linda says her family finally let go of the fantasy of the person she was and came to accept the real Linda Villarosa.

   The worse did happen to actor Wilson Cruz: His father threw him out.

   "I lived in my car for three months," Cruz recalls. For a year, he and his father barely talked. Then one night, My So-Called Life aired an episode in which Cruz's character was thrown out of his house for being gay. Cruz's father was watching.

   "He called me up after that, and it was very moving. He saw what I went through on an emotional and physical level, and started to see what he'd done wrong. Now I wouldn't say it's a complete transformation but he's definitely a lot more accepting of me. We talk all the time, better than before I came out. "

   While Cruz's experience was more dramatic than most, it shows that even people who react negatively at first can come around in time. It may not be easy for you to give them this time. But don't be discouraged. In the long run, nothing helps as much as patience.