BE YOURSELF

questions and answers for gay, lesbian and bisexual youth
A publication of PFLAG: Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

I think I might be gay, what what if I don't know for sure?

THE SHORT ANSWER: You'll know when you know. It could take a while, and there's no need to rush.

Some gay people say that, from the time they were very young - even just five or six - they "felt different." They did didn't share the grade-school cruses about which friends talked, or they had crushes on friends of their own sex - and no one seemed to be talking about it.

Often, they say, it took a while to put a name to their feelings - to begin to think of themselves as gay, or lesbian, or bisexual. But then they'd started thinking in those words, it made sense - it fit with the feelings they'd had growing up.

Many other people, though, don't begin to figure out their sexual orientation until they're teenagers or even adults - and it can be confusing.

One or two sexual experiences with someone of the same sex may not mean you're gay, either - just as one or two sexual experiences with someone of the opposite sex may not mean you're straight. Many gay people have some sexual experiences with the opposite gender, and many straight people have some sexual experience with their own gender.

It's important to know, too, that you can be a virgin or not be sexually active and still know that you're gay. Your feelings and your emotional and physical attractions will help tell you who you are.

Our sexuality develops over time. Don't worry if you aren't sure. The teen years are a time of figuring out what works for you, and crushes and experimentation are often part of that. Over time, you'll find that you're drawn mostly to men or to women - or to both - and you'll know then. You don't have to label yourself today.

If you think you're gay, lesbian, or bisexual, don't be afraid of it, and don't hide your feelings from yourself. All that does is keep you from figuring out your sexual identity - from figuring yourself out.

I don't see anything that says other people are gay, am I the only one?

THE SHORT ANSWER: NO.

Dr. Alfred Kinsey, the worlds best-known sex researcher, concluded from his research that almost nobody is purely straight or purely gay. He found that most people have some attraction to the same sex during their lives, and that many people have some sexual experiences with the same sex, or with both sexes.

Think of it as a range or a "sexual continuum." At one end of the range are many people who are attracted only to the same sex. At another end of the range are many people who are attracted only to the opposite sex. And in between are people who are attracted to both sexes.

So wherever you are on that continuum, you've got plenty of company. Some estimates say that one of every ten people is gay.

There are gay people all around you - you just can't always tell who they are. They're white, black, Asian, Hispanic, and Native American. They're Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, and Buddhist. They're old and young, rich and poor. They're doctors, nurses, construction workers, teachers and students, secretaries, ministers and rabbis, store clerks, mechanics, business people, police officers, politicians, and athletes.

And when they were teenagers, most of them probably felt the same way you do. If you get to feeling you're all by yourself, just remember: singer k.d. lang probably felt that way too. And Elton John. And tennis star Martina Navratilova. And congressman Gerry Studds. George Michael, Danny Pintauro, and thousands and thousands of other people.

Is it normal to be gay?

THE SHORT ANSWER: Yes. Being gay is as natural, normal, and healthy as being straight.

No one knows exactly how human sexual orientation - gay or straight- is determined. Most experts thing its a matter of genetics, biology, and environment - that a person's sexual orientation could be set before birth or as early as two or three years old.

Dr. Richard Pillard, a psychiatrist at Boston University School of Medicine, points out that homosexuality exists "in virtually every animal species that has been exhaustively studied." Homosexuality is as much a part of nature as heterosexuality.

Not only is it as natural, it's as healthy to be gay as to be straight - no matter what some people might tell you. The American Psychiatric Association declared in 1973 that homosexuality is not a mental disorder or disease, and the American Psychological Association says that it would be unethical to try to change a gay person's sexual orientation.

Many other people besides scientists, psychologists, and psychiatrists now understand that, too. Ann Landers, the advice columnist, recently wrote: "It never ceases to amaze me that in this day and age, so many people fail to understand that homosexuality is not a lifestyle that is chosen. That 'choice' was made at birth."

So if you're wondering why you're gay, the answer is that some people are gay and some people are straight just as some people have blue eyes and some people have brown eyes. It's not something that anybody can choose to be or not to be. Its just one more piece of who you are.

I thought gay people act certain ways. If I don't fit a stereotype, am I still gay

THE SHORT ANSWER: Ignore the stereotypes. Some people fit them, some don't. Be yourself.

Gay people, like straights, act all kinds of ways. Stereotypes arise out of ignorance and prejudice. Sometimes a stereotype about a group doesn't fit anyone in that group. Sometimes it fits a few people, sometimes more. But a stereotype never fits everyone in a group.

For example, you might hear that gay men are "effeminate". Well, for just a few recent examples that show how ridiculous and untrue that statement is - what about Dave Kopay, who played NFL football for 10 years, or Olympic gold medalist diver Greg Louganis? Both men are gay- along with many other famous athletes. What about the openly gay police officers in major cities? What about Joe Steffan, one of the most decorated Navy cadets of the last few years? And what about Bob Jackson-Paris, former Mr. Universe?

You'll also probably hear about transvestites and transsexuals. Transvestites are people who like to dress like members of the opposite sex. Most transvestites are actually straight. Transsexuals are people who want to change their gender through surgery, and then live their lives just like any other man or woman. Being gay doesn't make you a transvestite or a transsexual, and being a transvestite or transsexual doesn't make you gay.

Some people react to stereotypes by trying to act just the opposite. Some straight males who are unsure of their sexuality may act super macho, as do some gay men who are afraid of being identified as gay or "outed." Some lesbian women act very feminine for the same reason.

Remember you don't need to prove anything to anybody. Just be yourself.

the rest of this publication is being transcribed and will be online shortly

Do I need to worry about HIV and AIDS?

THE SHORT ANSWER: Everybody has to be informed about HIV and AIDS.

Being young doesn't protect you from getting AIDS. A lot of people in their 20's and 30's who are dying from AIDS today became infected when they were teenagers. It's not who you are - gay or straight, male or female, black or white,-- but what you do that puts you at risk for HIV infection.

AIDS is a disease caused by a virus. That virus, named HIV, destroys the body's immune system, making a person susceptible to fatal illnesses or infections. There is no known cure, and there is no vaccine that prevents AIDS.

There are three main ways you can become infected with HIV: (1) by having unprotected sex with an infected person; (2) by sharing drug needles or syringes with an infected person; or (3) an infected woman can pass the virus to her baby during pregnancy or birth.

Also, you can't judge by appearances whether someone has the HIV virus or not. The virus can be inactive as long as ten years. Someone who appears healthy could still be infected.

You can protect yourself, though. Do not share needles or syringes. If you are shooting or using street drugs, seek professional help from a local clinic. The one sure way to avoid HIV infection through sex is not to have sex. And gay or straight, if you are sexually active, learn about "safer sex" to protect yourself. Some safer sex practices include using latex condoms or dental dams to stop the HIV virus.

It is not within the scope of this article to give a complete overview of HIV/AIDS and safer sex. For more information, contact your local HIV/AIDS awareness programs like Planned Parenthood.

Will I be accepted?

THE SHORT ANSWER: Some people will accept you and some won't.

I feel so alone, who can I talk to?

THE SHORT ANSWER: If you feel alone, you are alone - and you don't need to be. There are people out there who can help.

Should I "Come Out?"

THE SHORT ANSWER: Only if you want to, and only when you're ready. Don't come out just because someone else thinks you should.

Who should I tell?

THE SHORT ANSWER: To start, only those people who you want to know.

How do I tell my parents?

THE SHORT ANSWER: When you're ready and with care.

Will I lose my straight friends? And where do I find gay friends?

THE SHORT ANSWER: To the first question - probably not. And to the second - everywhere!

Can I have a family of my own?

THE SHORT ANSWER: Yes!

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